For most of my life I’ve been into video games, it’s one of those things I know I adore, to the point of even wanting to develop my own, I know for a fact that the medium drives me. So, why is that the case? What compels me to indulge hours of my life to it? From childhood to adulthood, what role has video games truly played?
From childhood, I wasn’t exactly the most active kid, nor did I really go out much, outside of school and family events, when it wasn’t homework, watching TV or anything else a child is known to do, the thing I remember doing most was playing video games.
With the vague memory of seeing a Sonic 1 cartridge before laying my hands knowingly on any controller, my older brother introduced me to a PlayStation 2, its backwards compatibility and a copy of Street Fighter EX Plus Alpha. I was thrust into battles against my brother, causing frustration of not being capable of beating him, that did not stop me from continuing to play the game with him or alone. Street Fighter EX Plus Alpha was literally my go-to game when it came to console gaming, due to the amount of hours I spent playing the game as a child, I wouldn’t be surprised that it’s actually my most played video game, I was compelled to spend a lot of my free time on it, simply because it was fun. Eventually, mom bought a Game Boy Advance and Sonic Advance along with it, allowing the freedom to play the video games I played at home anywhere, giving my introverted self something that could support me when I did leave the house for family, video games were comfort. Video games were always some form of comfort for me, like a life-long therapist, on bad days they were usually there for me to ease my mind, a reward to unwind after any kind of work. I was not great at opening up about myself, somehow not really feeling the need to until my 20’s, I guess my coping mechanism for anything troubling me throughout my life was video games and any other medium I consumed and honestly it’s weird to come to that realization. While I didn’t seek video games for answers in my life, the games I wanted to play, ended up shaping me in some fashion, Final Fantasy, Persona, Metal Gear Solid, since I did value a good story in video games, despite valuing great gameplay as well, I’m grateful for what I have learned from these experiences.
Life is a struggle, video games are a medium that explores that struggle in a way that people are capable of controlling, even when games do their best to test your patience, frustrate you, the thing that drives you is the thought that you’re going to prove to yourself that you’re capable of overcoming the challenge as you can any that comes your way in your life. In some weird way, I think this is where I inherit this subconscious confidence in myself and I feel it comes from the challenges I’ve overcome in the video games I’ve played, maybe it’s my optimistic nature, but I know I don’t see myself as someone who’s confident in everything they do, I just feel it deep down that I can do mostly anything I put the effort in doing. As cheesy as it sounds, I’ve looked at video games as a reason to never give up on living life, to continue fighting the fight, and I find that one of the many values of the medium.
Being a person born in the 90’s, my influence and taste mostly derives from video games, my interest in Sci-Fi, Martial Arts, Fantasy, attributes to video games, even if they weren’t the only medium I consumed, they for sure played a part. The many aspects of life I can say I appreciate more, due to video games actually exposing them to me, aesthetics/design, art, fashion, nature, especially music, like other forms of media, these things get explored, yet video games are interactive. Developers are capable of sharing so much of their inspirations and ideas to the people who invest in their work, in an overall package that delivers on what you’d expect from novels and films, this is how the people who play these video games become inspired themselves.
All my life I had this yearning to create and impact, video game development was a priority for me in this case, and this is a tough subject for me to touch on, but it’s something I still feel strongly about despite everything that scares me away from AAA video game development, indie development sounds so much more appealing to me, with all the concepts I’ve come up for games I’d love to develop, I’d have to put in the work to even get those concepts across. I’ve taken the advice to at least start something to heart, with an inner fire to start small and work with my creativity.
Human connection, one of the key aspects for our survival, as an introvert who usually prefers their alone time, I cannot put it lightly how much video games have connected me to the people of this world, how fond memories with family etched by their existence, school more exciting with possibilities of meeting and mingling with like-minded enthusiasts, the internet especially, with all of its potential reminds me that despite my continuous struggle of facing who I truly am, there’s someone in this world that I can connect with on some level. At the end of the day, video games are a form of escapism, it’s simply a way to have experiences in virtual worlds in a fashion that allows us to get immersed, by our own will and interaction, that interaction is liberating in the fact that video games can offer a variety of expressions, never completely tied down to realism, as the core of a video game is abstract, the possibilities of what you can personally experience in video games are tantalizing. On that note, there’s no restriction for an assigned male at birth to play a video game with playable female characters, unless age and sexual content plays into effect, this is another aspect of the medium that I find increasingly significant in my life. There’s inherently an appeal to this option, giving women something to identify with in a once predominantly masculine market, the obvious sex appeal too, but what if there was a fascination to explore femininity?
As someone questioning their gender identity/sexual orientation, even after confirming that they’re non-binary, it’s a bit of a rocky road to actually express myself in a way that’s not typical of who I originally identified as, and it’s a feeling that I pretty much have daily. While this is going on, I had this realization that I wanted to consume feminine media, from stuff like FFX-2, Totally Spies, Paradise Kiss, and how dominating the male image was in video games, there’s a ton of games with female protagonists, a female character in general, but how many actually fit the experience I wanted in my mind? I did feel this urge to explore expressing myself femininely with a female character, but there wasn’t enough freedom with what I did consume, until I watched Transparency’s Queer Fantasy video, the more I saw the potential of what I could do in Final Fantasy XIV, after so long contemplating if I should give it a shot, to which I finally gave in. As much as I would have loved the option to cross-dress freely as a male avatar or having a non-binary avatar, just the option to play the role as a female avatar was enough to satisfy me, basically creating an avatar that I found appealing, but reflecting elements of myself, in the end I just needed a safe outlet to express myself in a way I’ve found interest in. While I was never much into MMORPGs, I have to say even if it’s overwhelming for me so far, Final Fantasy XIV has been an appealing, captivating and liberating experience, it truly is like my beloved single-player Final Fantasy games, except online-based and basically a fashion simulator. I get to fully immerse myself in this expansive fantasy world, accompanied by real people, and an avatar I can self-identify with, it’s like a whole new realm entirely unexplored. Gratefully, I will continue playing Final Fantasy XIV as a game I can fall back on, to support me in exploring my identity, with the limitless amount of video games and their continuous growth in scale, I know that this medium will always have a place in my heart.
FullmetalHagane's Universe of Awesome 